Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

It has come to our attention that you have been trying to do it all. I understand that in the last few days you have:

·         Minded your own children plus your friends’ children; prepared home-cooked meals; prepared a tax return; had a series of intensive interviews; cleaned your house; did the shopping; spent countless “5 minutes breaks” using social media; wrote several articles and are now in the process of writing this blog post.

·         Stayed-up late to write or watch inane television shows and woken up early to mind children and work. 

There's a body attached to that, you know
photo by Dream Designs

·        Done all the laundry yourself due to some “control issues” you’re still working-through.

We would like to advise you of the following:

-          The body needs, ideally, about 8 hours sleep per night. In your case, I suggest a minimum of 7. Getting 5 won’t cut it. If you continue to give us only 5 hours of sleep per night, we are going to enforce a work-to-rule, whereby we will stop supplying the brain with oxygen ‘round about 3 pm. This will result in some unfortunate decision making on your part in the late afternoon and early evening.

-          We need more exercise. Newsflash: the occasional stroll around the mall is not a cardio workout. Your metabolism wants to inform you that you’re not 25 anymore, you know. You may have noticed that your size 6 jeans have languished on the top shelf of the wardrobe for a good while. It’s ‘cause they don’t fit, isn’t it? Move your fat ass.

-          Your stomach and intestines would also like to advise you that if you cannot provide them with 3 balanced meals a day, they will not provide you with the fuel you need to reason with a 5 year-old child. He will win every time.

Be informed that this is our last letter of this nature. If you do not follow our warning signs, we will have to take the following actions:

 -         Add 10 (more) pounds to your ass

-          Make you feel exhausted

-          Reduce your vocabulary

-          Make you crankier than usual

-          Cause zits to break out all over your face

-          Etc.

We sincerely hope you heed our warnings. If not, see you in court...by that we mean the emergency room of the local hospital.

Yours sincerely,

The Body

Mommy Track not Mommy Brain

Women increase in intelligence after becoming mothers. That old adage about mommy brain or baby brain is bunk. It’s been written about and studied. Katherine Ellison wrote a popular book about it in 2006, The Mommy Brain.  This does not explain why, during the last weeks of pregnancy with my first boy and for months after giving birth to him, I went to the grocery store, leaving the front door wide open for several hours. Or, the afternoon I came home, went into the house, correctly locking the front door but leaving the car door wide open for the entire day. Or, the time I poured milk into my mug and filled the baby bottle with coffee.  Leaving those aside for the moment, research says I’m smarter. Check out this article by Erin Crawford in the Des Moines Register, 2006 about Katherine Ellison’s book.

Ellison says my perception improves. I’m more clued in to sounds of need and distress in my babies. This is true. I can hear my little guy (now almost 3) yelling in the living room while the older one does Power Ranger karate moves on him; Or, the older guy yelling because the little guy has retaliated by pulling his hair. Sometimes I wish I could tune these signs of distress out. They occur often.

Smart mommies are good at
childrearing and jobs, too!
photo by healingdream

She also says I’m more efficient. Supposedly I’m better at prioritizing and more focused and quicker at finishing work. This is absolutely true. I don’t know how I do it, but I get my work done in the 45 minutes I have to do it, instead of the 3 hours it used to take. I read stuff I have to read while standing at the stove or waiting in the car park for school to let out.

I started prioritizing the day I got home from the hospital with Zach. After he’d fall asleep I knew I had only minutes before he woke again for more time on the breast. I learned to prioritise immediately. Thoughts at the time:

1 Toilet – has to be done

2 Shower – dying for one. There’s breast milk all over my torso. 3 minutes, max, no hair washing.

3 Dress – can’t leave the house without clothes

4 makeup – if he wakes while I’m on step 3, I can skip this

5 eat – I can do this while breastfeeding, so will multi-task it

6 sleep – God, I wish I could put this at number 1, but will try and snooze while he feeds

My ability to prioritize has been improving ever since. I’m such a master at mommy multi-tasking now, I don’t understand why my husband only does one thing at a time.  I can simultaneously wipe a nose, send a text message, turn off the oven, start the dishwasher, answer Zach’s question about unicorns and begin the grocery list on a sheet of paper. Concentrating on one thing at a time makes me feel constrained and boxed in. I can’t ONLY do ONE thing at time. That is totally underutilizing my capacity.

Anyway, look, I’m re-opening this debate because despite the evidence, and the supposed status of women as having equal rights, working mothers get “mommy tracked”. There’s no denying it – check out this article about a GoldmanSachs working mother who claims she got put on the mommy track and is now suing. I’ve seen it first hand, I’ve experienced it. Why does this happen if we’re smarter, more empathetic (as per Ellison), can prioritise better, manage better, and get the same amount of work done in half the time? Trust me, if we leave the job ON TIME to go collect our kids from day care, we will still meet the deadlines set, come in on the weekends around trips to soccer matches, and generally outperform the guy sitting across from us who can stay until 7 pm, dials in on his laptop Sunday mornings and goes to after-work drinks with the lads. He’s spinning his wheels. I’m working.

Limiting the workplace to single people and men is not diversity, and it isn’t healthy. Would businesses advocate limiting the workplace to white people or males? How about limiting it to brunettes? They’d be losing out on valuable input from people who, due to the release of massive amount of hormones, are now smarter, calmer, happier, more empathetic, more perceptive and better able to prioritise and multi-task. Some may be blonde. We do, however, want to go home on time to collect our children; need to take our legally, duly-earned vacation days for time off with the kids; and will, on occasion, have bits of oatmeal or baby formula on our lapels. These can be cleaned with baby wipes, which we carry in our large handbags, since we are so organised.  

And, by the way, if you don’t have kids or are not a woman, I’m not saying you’re at a disadvantage or not as smart as me. Sleep deprivation (for me) evens us out. I’m just saying: we’re equal.