Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

It has come to our attention that you have been trying to do it all. I understand that in the last few days you have:
·         Minded your own children plus your friends’ children; prepared home-cooked meals; prepared a tax return; had a series of intensive interviews; cleaned your house; did the shopping; spent countless “5 minutes breaks” using social media; wrote several articles and are now in the process of writing this blog post.
·         Stayed-up late to write or watch inane television shows and woken up early to mind children and work. 
There's a body attached to that, you know
photo by Dream Designs
·        Done all the laundry yourself due to some “control issues” you’re still working-through.
We would like to advise you of the following:
-          The body needs, ideally, about 8 hours sleep per night. In your case, I suggest a minimum of 7. Getting 5 won’t cut it. If you continue to give us only 5 hours of sleep per night, we are going to enforce a work-to-rule, whereby we will stop supplying the brain with oxygen ‘round about 3 pm. This will result in some unfortunate decision making on your part in the late afternoon and early evening.
-          We need more exercise. Newsflash: the occasional stroll around the mall is not a cardio workout. Your metabolism wants to inform you that you’re not 25 anymore, you know. You may have noticed that your size 6 jeans have languished on the top shelf of the wardrobe for a good while. It’s ‘cause they don’t fit, isn’t it? Move your fat ass.
-          Your stomach and intestines would also like to advise you that if you cannot provide them with 3 balanced meals a day, they will not provide you with the fuel you need to reason with a 5 year-old child. He will win every time.

Be informed that this is our last letter of this nature. If you do not follow our warning signs, we will have to take the following actions:

 -         Add 10 (more) pounds to your ass
-          Make you feel exhausted
-          Reduce your vocabulary
-          Make you crankier than usual
-          Cause zits to break out all over your face
-          Etc.

We sincerely hope you heed our warnings. If not, see you in that we mean the emergency room of the local hospital.

Yours sincerely,

The Body

Monday, September 5, 2011

Costumes for the Sewing Impaired

In a rare bout of spring cleaning that I finally undertook in September, I came across a hedgehog costume that I’d forgotten about. How could I have forgotten about it? When I was informed via note from the teacher last year that I’d have to make or buy a hedgehog outfit for my five year old to wear in the spring play, I was like: what? Did you say MAKE? I can’t MAKE anything except for dinner. Oh, and once the boys and I took an empty, plastic milk container, put two dots on the lid for a nose, pasted pink paper like ears on the front and a curly bit at the back for a tail. We called it a pig. Other than that, I can’t MAKE anything.
Spiderman Saves the Donkey

So, at the time of the spring hedgehog I had to enlist the help of buddy Sarah (of Fairy Face Designs fame). She doesn’t really do costumes, but, she saw the desperate state I was in and using something called a SEWING MACHINE (I’d heard of them but never actually seen one up close) she put a hedgehog costume together. I’d bought all the material and face paint at great expense, Sarah put in the effort, and the thing was worn for three hours. Six if you count dress rehearsal.

The new school year has started and I dread the next spring play like some people dread a visit to the dentist. The hedgehog outfit was a minor feat of engineering, what with stuffing his back and figuring out how to make the quills stand on end without puncturing my child’s skin. What’s the play going to be this year? Noah’s Ark and Zach is the porcupine?

I am a little relieved by the discovery lately of a place called Mainly, they sell costumes. They have women’s costumes, men’s costumes and children’s costumes. They also have party favours and such. It’s the children’s costumes I’m really interested in, though.  I want to send a note to the teacher and tell her she can only cast children as animals appearing on this or similar sites. So, that would mean: tigers, bunnies, donkeys, puppies, kittens, lions, monkey...

Maybe I could write an original script featuring only characters based on costumes I can purchase!
Note to self: Spiderman saves donkey from the evil clutches of a fairy princess.
Steve Jobs
from wikipedia

I could consider buying my own sewing machine and learning to use it....NAH.

Oh my gosh: I just remembered Halloween. Zach always wants to be a something complicated that can’t be purchased. Good on him and hoorah for independent thinking, but: I HAVE NO CRAFTY SKILLS, KID. I will try and talk him into a simple costume this year, like: Ghost in white sheet; or Ghandi; or Steve Jobs.

And maybe they’ll just do Waiting for Godot this spring and my husband’s old trench coat can be the costume. 

Probably not.

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