Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

It has come to our attention that you have been trying to do it all. I understand that in the last few days you have:
·         Minded your own children plus your friends’ children; prepared home-cooked meals; prepared a tax return; had a series of intensive interviews; cleaned your house; did the shopping; spent countless “5 minutes breaks” using social media; wrote several articles and are now in the process of writing this blog post.
·         Stayed-up late to write or watch inane television shows and woken up early to mind children and work. 
There's a body attached to that, you know
photo by Dream Designs
·        Done all the laundry yourself due to some “control issues” you’re still working-through.
We would like to advise you of the following:
-          The body needs, ideally, about 8 hours sleep per night. In your case, I suggest a minimum of 7. Getting 5 won’t cut it. If you continue to give us only 5 hours of sleep per night, we are going to enforce a work-to-rule, whereby we will stop supplying the brain with oxygen ‘round about 3 pm. This will result in some unfortunate decision making on your part in the late afternoon and early evening.
-          We need more exercise. Newsflash: the occasional stroll around the mall is not a cardio workout. Your metabolism wants to inform you that you’re not 25 anymore, you know. You may have noticed that your size 6 jeans have languished on the top shelf of the wardrobe for a good while. It’s ‘cause they don’t fit, isn’t it? Move your fat ass.
-          Your stomach and intestines would also like to advise you that if you cannot provide them with 3 balanced meals a day, they will not provide you with the fuel you need to reason with a 5 year-old child. He will win every time.

Be informed that this is our last letter of this nature. If you do not follow our warning signs, we will have to take the following actions:

 -         Add 10 (more) pounds to your ass
-          Make you feel exhausted
-          Reduce your vocabulary
-          Make you crankier than usual
-          Cause zits to break out all over your face
-          Etc.

We sincerely hope you heed our warnings. If not, see you in court...by that we mean the emergency room of the local hospital.

Yours sincerely,

The Body

10 comments:

  1. I'm convinced that everything to do with children is pretty much bad for your health.

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  2. Lol! I hear ya. My brain requires the same advice!

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  3. I think I will email this to all my kids :)

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  4. I think I will print this out and glue it to my forehead!! Love it.

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  5. So very true... and funnay! Come back and write some more, please.

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  6. If you need more help when shopping for children's clothes and baby gifts, look no further than www.jellybabies.ie

    We have a wide range of children's clothes, strollers, toys, children's safety products and gifts.

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  7. Hmmm... so that explains where the extra 10 lbs, exhaustion, and crankiness came from! I'm so sorry brain.

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  8. Dorothy of Oz is sure to be an instant classic for the whole family. The film is due out next year but the buzz being created is undeniable. Between the vastly talented cast and the original music, how could you not be excited! Glee's Lea Michele is in the title role as Dorothy Gale and she will bring such a fresh sound to the legendary character. Let us not forget Martin Short, Bernadette Peters, Kelsey Grammer, Dan Aykroyd, and many more bringing life to both new and older familiar characters!! Dorothy of Oz has all the components to be the new family favorite!

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